This blog was inspired after a much needed talk with a good friend....Thanks Dave. Thanks for being so kind to me, giving me a shoulder when your own life was tough, inspiring me even though I still fall, and for just being you!
It's hard enough to come to terms with the actual impact of abuse, but the side effects just add to the weight of recovery.
The impact on self belief and confidence can be massive. It can also make a huge dent in self-respect. It becomes all to easy to withdraw into a world of self-abuse, drugs, food, alcohol and other substances that harm the body - when you feel pretty worthless. Fortunately, most of those were not an alternative for me.
I'm not sure there is an easy route to overcoming abuse. For me, abuse was a dark place covered in layers of webbing that I didn't really understand. Sometimes I'd behave in a way that wasn't warranted by a situation and not know why. Other times I'd shrink into the background and hope no one would notice me. Sometimes, for days, I'd go into a black mood and just want to avoid contact with the world. I still do at times. Some call it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
For a long time, I thought I was crazy. These days I know I am not. I have the help of some amazing people in my life that made me realize that I was a victim. One day, I hope to ultimately call myself a survivor with no hesitation. It's right around the corner and the feeling is victorious. There are setbacks along the way but nothing compared to what life was like.
Of course this makes you a difficult person to employ. Keeping a job or getting enough money to get by on can then become a problem. When money is low and your self-worth is poor it seems that everything around you pulls in and leaves you feeling like a victim. I was always pretty lucky in that area. I always had a job but the feeling of getting out of bed and living another day of doom and gloom was pretty much a daily ritual. I might not be a wealthy person but digging deep and the need to survive gave me the initiative to better myself, not only for me but for the love of my children. Quite often people tell me that I'm the strongest person they've ever met. Perhaps, but it still doesn't come easy. It's just my internal drive to survive through the toughest times and the nature that I possess to try to make my tough times easier on everyone else before myself. Most people turn to addiction, I guess I did too. My addiction is the need to survive and to be accepted. It's that adrenalin rush that I receive when I know that I am in my comfort zone, a safe space if you will, that tells me that I don't have that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness that my abusers imposed on me. It's my verification that I could prove the haters wrong and to know that I am a good, loving, and decent human being. I just happen to choose a feeling of empowerment, rather than a path of self-destruction.
If you're in that place in life where things are awful and you want to change it, I want you to know you can change things. Like I said above, there may not be an easy route, but there is a route. Slow and easy.....I tell myself this all the time. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, breathe. I'm safe now. Nobody is hurting me anymore. Pick your path. YOUR path.
A good place to start is to accept that as of today you are in charge of your life. From this understanding start to think about what you'd like the rest of your life to be about. It's ok not to know. Just know that you have the ability and the right to chose, when ,where, how, with whom. It's my life damnit. He doesn't own me or control me anymore.
Who do I want to become?
This is an important question. In the past I was a victim. But the past does not have to equal the future. If I don't want to continue to be a victim I have to route out all behaviour in me that is a victim or encourages people to bully me.
This doesn't mean you have to become the bully. If you learn from your experience and ensure you never become a person who forces anyone to do anything against their will you have made a bold choice. Find people who have the attributes you would like.
If you want peace in your heart find people who have peace in their heart and ask them how they manage it achieve it. If you want happiness find a happy person and ask how they do it. If you want love, find a loving person and ask how they manage to be loving even in the hardest circumstance.
If you don't feel you can ask, then read books, listen to a CD or watch people.
When you start to explore you'll begin to find there are billions of teachers in the world, all with something to share with you. All you have to do is be willing to let go of the past and make a positive step forward. I choose to be one of those people and hopefully someone can learn from my experiences.
This blog is dedicated to anyone out there that has experienced domestic violence or any other type of experience that they felt victimized in this life or even placed in any situation that they feel lost, helpless, or alone. Life is cruel. It's true that it isn't fair and offers no guarantees, but there is a way out. Eventually. If you're reading this blog, you are not alone. I've been there too. The repercussions are many and half the battle is just finding someone to love and trust that loves you as much as you love them. Remarkably, it's made me stronger. It can for you too.
Until then, I wish you love and best wishes for your journey.
